The Stairs Need Fixing and So Does My Time Turner
by Strega Brava
Summary: A parody of the timeturner fic with a little fun poked at my favourite ship also where Hermione always seems to end up in the time of the Marauders and there is always a staircase involved.


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Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to the goddess, JKR. This is a lame attempt at parody and no offence is intended to any author who has used this particular plotline (especially not to Venus DeMilo whose version "Lost" is well worth reading).

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The Stairs Need Fixing and So Does My Time-Turner

Hermione Granger sat in Transfiguration class with her best friends, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. As usual, she was writing copiously onto a parchment…her notes covering every available inch of space. And, also as usual, Ron Weasley was planning out Quidditch strategies with Harry for their upcoming match against Slytherin on his own parchment. All of the strategies seemed to involve injuring Draco Malfoy in one way or another…preferably both.

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"At least Ron doesn't do that in Potions any longer. Losing 500 points in one go set an all-time Hogwarts record. Snape grinned for weeks on end," she sighed as she continued writing feverishly, taking down every word Professor McGonagall spoke and wearing out two quills in the process. "They need to make better quality quills," she grumbled as she fished another one out of her bag.

It was seventh year and, as expected, all was not well. In fact, one could say that there was something rotten in the state of Hogwarts (and it wasn't the treacle tart that Ron had forgotten in his dorm at the end of sixth year). Of course, this was not unusual. After all, the Dark Lord was still prancing about, threatening Harry, coming up with a 'Really Dastardly Plan To Take Over the Known Universe' only to have it foiled by the timely appearance of the Boy Who Lived and some new and fabulously magical weapon. In second year, it had been the sword of Godric Gryffindor. In fifth year, the spear of Rowena Ravenclaw. In sixth year, the garden shears of Helga Hufflepuff…well, she had always been considered something of an eccentric.

Everyone was waiting to see what Salazar Slytherin would provide in seventh year. It was seriously scintillating. Even the centaurs had stopped talking about how bright Mars was.

Hermione had fought many battles alongside Harry and had come through relatively unharmed. Well, there was that little matter of being petrified in second year. Oh, and the loss of most of her bones in fifth year…and one could never forget that small episode at the Christmas break in sixth year when she had woken up to discover that she was bald. Really, being friends with Harry was rather injurious to one's health and appearance.

But, seventh year was progressing normally so far and, unfortunately, Snape was still Snape. Although she really disliked the man (and that, she thought, was being charitable), she couldn't not respect his courage, his honour…and the fact that he really was a sharp dresser. Who knew that black could be so versatile? He was his own fashion style…Ex Death Eater Gothic Grunge.

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"What is wrong with me?" She thought to herself as she suddenly pictured Snape as the lead singer of a Nirvana-type group with the Weird Sisters as his bandmates. _"This time turner business is making me crazy."_

She had decided, during the summer break (during which time she also managed to get all her hair to grow back…in the right place and in the right shade), that she needed to double up her courses so that she could be accepted to the post graduate magical program In Toronto. It was the best in the world. The time turner had been Professor McGonagall's idea and Hermione had readily accepted.

The only problem was that it was almost halfway through the school year (it was Christmas break) and yet she was already feeling that being in two places at the same time (so to speak) was not a good thing. Maybe cloning would have been a better option.

Thankfully, class ended before her thought processes could deteriorate any further. Harry and Ron ran off to Divination, grumbling about how many horrific deaths would satisfy Professor Trelawney on that particular date. Hermione had to go back two hours to attend the Advanced Potions class she had signed up for.

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"Wonderful…an opportunity to share some quality time with Professor Snape," she thought to herself as she hurried down the corridor to one of the moving staircases…which was wobbling ominously like a house elf that had gotten into the mulled Christmas wine.

She stamped her feet impatiently as she waited for the staircase to position itself properly.

"Are you certain that you want to go down this particular staircase?" A silky, velvety and otherwise satiny voice interrupted her thoughts. Turning around, she found herself facing the aforementioned Potions Master.

"I am late for class," she replied curtly, keeping an eye on the staircase.

"This staircase has an unfortunate reputation for…losing students," he said enigmatically, raising one eyebrow and staring at her with both eyes. He seemed to be appraising her…like an old tea service on the Antiques Roadshow.

"Then why is it still here?" She asked, rather cheekily…restraining the urge to stick her tongue out at him.

He paused for a moment as if to think his words through carefully. "Miss Granger. I advise you to take another route. Do not go down this staircase. It is for your own good."

Anger flared up within Hermione. "You are hiding something, aren't you? You're just telling me not to go, fully cognizant of the fact that I would go just to spite you, and then I will be late for class just like you are hoping."

Confusion was clearly etched on the wizard's face. "I beg your pardon?"

"Unless," Hermione thought about it again, "you knew that I would do that so you told me not to go, realizing that I would figure it out and then head down the stairs anyway just like you said you didn't want me to."

The confusion was etched a little deeper. "Miss Granger! For pity's sake, just take the corridor over there and save us both the trouble of…"

"No. No. And no again. I will take this staircase. Good day, Professor!" She turned abruptly and walked over to the staircase. She turned back to him. "There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it."

Professor Snape threw his hands up in the air and muttered a colourful metaphor that would have resulted in points being taken if a student had uttered it.

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"Why is he so against my taking this staircase? It looks perfectly harmless." She wondered as she stepped down the staircase. One. Two. Three. She counted the steps as she made her way. Suddenly, the staircase began to move again, shifting…vibrating madly.

She happened to look at her time turner and became alarmed. It was spinning madly and a strange purple light was coming out of it, enveloping her in its purpleness.

"What is going on?" She shouted as she pulled out her wand and tried a spell to make the purple haze go away. The staircase lurched madly, throwing her off balance. She fell, hitting her head on the banister and losing consciousness.

She then disappeared entirely…without so much as a snap, crackle or pop.

From a short distance away, Professor Snape watched with an irritated expression on his face. The irritated expression softened into something else…concern…caring…compassion…three things that would normally have been catalogued under "Human Traits Never Associated with Severus Snape."

"If only she had listened to me…none of this would have happened," he sighed. "Now, I must wait for her to return…and the consequences."

And he sat down on a chair to do exactly that.

He stood up quickly. "But first, there is the small matter of a visit to the loo."

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********************In the past**********************

Hermione slowly came to and discovered herself to be in the Hogwarts infirmary. 

"Someone must have found me," she thought to herself with a smile.

"Ah, so you are awake. Well, it's about time…I was beginning to worry," Dumbledore was sitting beside her…only…he looked different…younger…yes, there was definitely more twinkle in those blue eyes.

"Sir?" She felt a great vacuum suddenly turn on in her mind…and it conveniently sucked away many of her memories. "Who am I?"

"I was hoping that you could answer that yourself. It would appear that you are suffering from selective amnesia, my dear. It will fix itself soon enough. Would you like a lemon drop?"

"I think I need a name more than a lemon drop," she rummaged through her pockets and pulled out a notebook. Flipping through the pages she found the name Hermione Granger. "Call me Hermione."

"Well, Hermione, we don't know where you came from but one of our students found you unconscious on a particularly malevolent staircase that has been scheduled for house elf repair. You are obviously magical…do you remember how to cast a spell?"

Hermione automatically pulled out her wand and uttered "Wingardium Leviosa."

Professor Flitwick floated across the infirmary…he had been sleeping off the effects of a few too many butterbeers.

"Ah, yes…well, that proves your ability. Please set him back down gently…we wouldn't want to injure him," Dumbledore smiled.

"Sir, which student found me?" Hermione asked…dreading an answer like Draco Malfoy or…worse yet…Pansy Parkinson.

"Severus Snape," Dumbledore replied, unsticking his teeth from the lemon drop.

Hermione gasped in amazement. There was a name she recognized…and it was not happiness to remember. "Professor Snape?!"

"I assure you he is no professor," Dumbledore replied, rummaging through a bag for another lemon drop.

"I couldn't agree with you more," Hermione smirked…then she remembered something. "Did you find anything else near me?"

  
"Such as?"

"Oh, I don't know…perhaps something…like a…time turner?"

Dumbledore chuckled. "Yes, we did find one. Is it yours?"

"Yes…I mean…I think so. I do remember having one. I even remember you…but you were older."

"You must be from the future then. Fascinating. Tell me…has England won the Quidditch World Cup yet?"

"I don't remember, it seems like a big purple blur," Hermione replied, somewhat chastened at how selective her memory was and still trying to digest the fact that she was in the wrong time.

"Well, it cannot be helped and is probably for the best as knowledge of the future can be a dangerous business…although some of the 7th year boys would have loved that sort of information for the purposes of placing a few Galleons on wagers. I will ask Minerva and Filius to work on your time turner…it was damaged. In the meantime, we are on Christmas break and there are very few students or staff around so you may wander to your heart's content."

"Wonderful," she muttered when the older wizard left. "I am stuck in the past with no memory of who I am…memories of Professor Snape and the ability to float teachers through the air. I just hope I don't mess things up too badly while I'm here."

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******************Later that day******************

Hermione found herself in the library and discovered that she remembered this place very well. She immediately began to search for books on Time Travel and Time Accidents when she heard…the sound of someone blowing their nose.

Turning around, Hermione was surprised to see…Professor…no, Severus…oh whatever…it was Snape.

"I see that you have recovered," he said, wiping his nose with his handkerchief…an appropriately large handkerchief.

"I believe I ought to thank you for bringing me to the infirmary. That was kind of you."

He waved the thanks aside as if it were an annoying fly buzzing around his ears. "There is no need to thank me…really, no one ever does."

"Why not?"

"Because of…this!" He lifted his left sleeve rather dramatically and there, on his forearm, was the Dark Mark!

"Oh…I can see why," she replied as he lowered his sleeve. "Doesn't really bother me all that much."

"Why not?" She could see that he was deeply intrigued by her.

"Because I'm from the future and I know…umm…I really shouldn't have told you that," she muttered in confusion.

He smiled. "I thought as much when I found the broken time turner…well that, and you always write a date on top of your notes in the notebook."

"You checked my notebook?"

"Yes, I checked your notebook."

"I can't believe you checked my notebook."

"Believe it. I checked your notebook. You write as many notes as I do."

"Listen, I can't tell you much about the future because I don't remember."

He nodded. "Of course…one of the consequences of inadvertent time travel."

"Well, you did warn me not to go down that particular staircase…oh dear, I shouldn't have told you that…I really shouldn't have told you that."

"Would you like to come to Hogsmeade with me? I need to pick up some wormwood and asphodel and I would very much like to buy you a butterbeer," he smiled.

"To test your Draught of the Living Death?" She asked, blushing.

"You know your potions. I'm impressed," his smile was so very disarming and his teeth were so very white! But, Hermione noticed with a small grin, that hair still needed work.

Hermione felt as if she had just drunk a little too much Ogden's Firewhiskey (Now why did she remember that? Oh, right…that one Gryffindor party where someone had spiked the punch and everyone ended up with polka dots on their backsides). Was this fluttery, flighty, slightly nauseating feeling…could it possibly be love? The blackness of his eyes seemed to consume her being…she realized that she was holding her breath and began to gasp very unromantically.

"Yes…of course…love to," she wheezed.

"I will meet you back here in one hour…Ms…"

"Granger. Hermione Granger."

"Hermione…lovely name."

And Hermione grinned like a fool because no one had ever said that before.

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****************Present Day**************

"I always did like her name," Professor Snape sighed as he returned from the loo and began looking at the staircase again.

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**************** Back to the Past***************

Thus followed many outings between the future Potions Master and the accidental time traveler. They went to Hogsmeade. They attended a Quidditch match between Romania and Greece. They watched the sunrise from the top of the pyramids (thanks to Severus' fabulous broom…a Stratus 150). They roamed the bazaars of Turkey. They watched the stars from the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. They watched a hockey game in Toronto. They held hands as they wandered through Stonehenge. They walked along the Great Wall of China. They gawked at the Baseball Hall of Fame. They each got a tattoo of the other's name on their…well; it really didn't matter where.

It was now one week after her sudden arrival and she and Severus were inseparable. Things happened very fast and they knew they were deeply in love. Soulmates. Forever. It was perfect. Too perfect.

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*****************Present Day********************

"I never did have the heart to remove that tattoo," Professor Snape mumbled to one of the paintings, which looked at him with shock.

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*****************Back to the Past****************

Hermione was sitting in the library once again, waiting for Severus. He arrived, his black robes billowing dramatically around him as he walked.

"You don't change all that much…those robes…oh, I should not have said that," Hermione grinned.

"I understand that the time turner is fixed and you will be returning to your own time," Severus replied sadly.

"You know I have to go. I can't stay here…if I never go back…I might never be born…or you might never…or we might never meet in which case I would not be back here…maybe I would just vanish in a puff of smoke or something like that," Hermione put her head in her hands.

"The many complications of paradox," Severus pulled her into a warm embrace.

"Don't give in to the darkness," she suddenly said to him, pressing against him.

"All right," he replied, kissing her lips softly.

"And try not to be such a prat in the future…oh…I should not have told you that," Hermione blushed.

"I'll keep that in mind," he smirked.

"Hey there, Snape…practicing the Imperius Curse on some fair damsel just so that you can get a kiss!" Sirius Black came into view…he had just returned from a short stay with his parents.

"Is he still around in the future?" Severus asked in exasperation.

"I think so…my memory is starting to come back…oh, and you still don't like him…oh dear, I should not have told you that either. I'd better get out of here before I trounce everyone's timelines," Hermione gasped, kissing him quickly and running away.

Sirius Black walked up to Severus with a curious glance.

"Where are your cohorts, Black?"

"Remus is in the infirmary and James and Lily are too busy snogging," Sirius snapped back.

"All dressed up and no one to torment, eh, Black?"

"Who was she? Don't think I've ever seen her before."

"She's from the future…oh, I should not have told you that," Severus stalked off, remonstrating himself for his lack of discretion.

Sirius simply looked at Severus with utter confusion.

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"He's been sniffing something from those cauldrons, make no mistake," Sirius thought as he went off in search of someone else to torment.

*************Present Day*****************

"I'm sorry I ended up being such a prat, Hermione. Blame it on heredity. I come from a long and illustrious lineage of Snapes who made an art out of being prats and slimy gits," Severus whispered to no one in particular.

"You have that right," a painting replied caustically. Severus pointed his wand at it and transfigured it into a crystal vase. He then summoned it to him and, hefting in his hand once or twice to gauge the weight of it, threw it down the open stairwell. It struck the floor and shattered into many, many pieces.

The other paintings shut up immediately.

"What's all this mess about?" The voice of Argus Filch came booming up. 

Severus smiled. He really enjoyed pestering the Caretaker.

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*************Return to the past**************

"It is time to send you back to the future," Dumbledore gave her the repaired time turner.

"But I have fallen in love with one of the students…oh, I should not have told you that," Hermione stammered.

"Quite all right, my dear. Really, if he loves you then he will wait for you but you must go back before there is no future to return to."

  
"That's a horrifying thought," Hermione replied.

"Good luck, Hermione, I hope that all goes well for you," Dumbledore smiled at her. "Lemon drop before you go?"

Hermione shook her head. Smiling, she turned the time turner two full turns and the purple haze blanketed her once again.

"Thank you," she managed to say before Dumbledore disappeared entirely.

Dumbledore turned around and saw Severus standing there…a chastened expression on the young man's face.

"Yes, my boy?"

"Sir, there's something I really need to talk to you about…"

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**************Present Day******************

"I wonder if you realize how you saved me," Severus thought to himself as he pulled out the one wizarding photograph he had of the two of them…taken in one of those photo booths at Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto where they had watched the hockey game. They were both laughing and smiling at the camera, Hermione winking rakishly.

"I'd forgotten how much I missed you," he sighed.

"Then tell me again," a voice behind him spoke. Turning around, he saw Hermione standing…with that same smile on her face.

He got up quickly. 

"Ten points from Gryffindor for scaring me half to death," he said in a shaky voice.

Hermione grinned and came closer to him, embracing him and kissing him deeply.

"And a hundred points to Gryffindor," he murmured into her hair.

"Whatever for?" She asked, not letting him go.

"For coming back."

**************Epilogue************

In seventh year, Harry Potter defeated Lord Voldemort once and for all using the Rubik's Cube of Salazar Slytherin. Apparently Voldemort became so frazzled by this device (which had been mistakenly credited to a muggle) that he became the empty shell of a Dark Lord. The Dementor that consumed his soul sometime afterward said that it had barely made a dent in his appetite…and had proceeded to take the soul of Cornelius Fudge…which killed the poor Dementor (although other wizards made mention of Minister Fudge's improved manners). Peter Pettigrew, while in his animagus form, was eaten by Crookshanks (who had to be hospitalized for two weeks with terrible tummy troubles). Lucius Malfoy was sentenced to live as a muggle in Toronto where he currently earns his keep scalping Toronto Maple Leaf tickets. Harry Potter went on to Quidditch fame, bringing England several World Cup titles. Ron Weasley made a fortune in magic-electronic interfaces. Albus Dumbledore lived out his life's dream and appeared on "Bowling for Knuts". Percy Weasley was promoted to audit wand thicknesses and parchment dimensions. Draco Malfoy went to find himself…a voyage of self-discovery in Costa Rica. He subsequently got lost and was never heard from again.

And what about our two lovebirds?

They started a chain of retail stores; which offered discounted potions ingredients to paid members called Potionsco.

In fact, everyone lived happily ever after…well, except those who didn't.

A/N: These things don't exactly belong to me

The line about something being rotten in the state of Hogwarts is a variant of Hamlet's famous line and so must be credited to William Shakespeare The part where Hermione debates Severus on going down the staircase is from the movie "Scooby Doo" The part about checking the notebook comes from a series of commercials about a notebook computer (don't remember which one) Rubik's Cube belongs to its inventor All references to Purple Haze belong to Jimi Hendrix All references to the Toronto Maple Leafs belong to the NHL All references to "I shouldn't have told you that" belong to Hagrid (and JKR obviously) The reference to snap, crackle and pop belongs to Rice Krispies 


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